Never look back?

So many people use the phrase, "never look back."  Focus on today they say, look toward the future.  I get all that.  But what about the good things that happened "back" then.  I think its ok to look back occasionally.  It's cliche, but those memories and moments happened for a reason.  I can appreciate those reasons now more than ever.  

I see it this way, if I never look back, how will I remember my Grandpa Greenfield (a.k.a. Gramps) who passed away over 10 years ago.  How will I remember all the people I met in college and now only keep in touch with on Facebook if at all?  How will I remember all of the toys I used to play with that are now on sale in the "vintage" section on Etsy?  Those are not things I am willing to never look back for.

I was reminded of this thought the other day while driving to work.  I drive west to work.  The sun rises in the east.  If I never look back, I don't see the sunrise.  I don't want to miss this either...

Later that day, I bought a bottle of syrup at the store and noticed it said, "do not microwave" at the bottom.  I giggled.  As a child, our families would gather at our Grandpa Greenfield's house on Sunday nights for pizza and ice cream.  Grandpa always had chocolate syrup for the ice cream.  One evening, I guess we requested hot fudge.  He didn't think twice, tossed the bottle in the microwave and off he went. Less than a minute later there was a loud noise and one messy microwave.  It doesn't seem that funny to you I am sure.  But, some day I will make an entire post about Gramps and you will understand.  My point is, I texted this exact story to my cousin Tammy and all she said was, "I remember that like it was yesterday."  It is worth looking back for memories like that.

I will praise every moment of today, I will certainly look forward to tomorrow, but I will never forget to occasionally look back.

As you have probably noticed by now, I relate everything to music.  So I will leave you once again with a song that fits my thoughts today.  "The House That Built Me"

I know they say you can't go home again
I just had to come back one last time
ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam 
but these hand prints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
is where I did my Homework 
and I learned to play Guitar 
now I bet you didn't know
Under that live oak 
my favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing
out here it's like I'm someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I'll leave 
won't take nothin' but a memory
from the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years 
from Better Homes and Garden magazine
plans were drawn and concrete poured 
nail by nail and board by board 
daddy gave life to mama's dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing

out here it's like I'm someone else

I thought that maybe I could find myself

if I could just come in I swear I'll leave 

won't take nothin' but a memory

from the house that built me

You leave home you move on and you
Do the best you can I got lost in
This old world and forgot who I am

Changing up my to do list.

I woke up today with a sense of calm.  Christian and I took Herky for a beautiful walk first thing.  Truthfully, the sunshine was just what we needed.  As we walked, Christian and I simultaneously looked up to see a jet stream.  He looked at me and said, "sometimes those just amaze me."  I looked back at him and said, "sometimes I think those are a sign from God."   He just smiled.  They amaze me every time I see them too.  The sun in they sky and everything around us, reminded me that only God could create something that awesome.   Christian being the comedian that he is, reminded me that Boeing had something to do with it too.  I kindly replied, but God gave those people the hands to build those jets :-)

When we returned, Christian left for work. (must love tax season :-))  I sat down in my usual corner chair with my Bible to read for a while.  I felt extra in need of some quiet worship time.   What I read was probably what I needed to hear more than ever.  My to do list needed to no longer look like this:

1) laundry
2) dishes
3) cleaning
4) errands

and needed to look like this:

1) Worship God as though I am a guest before a King.  He is our friend, but he is more importantly our sovereign Lord.
2) Revitalize my worship, as worship is only as real as the involvement of those participating.
3) Be fully prepared for worship.  Open my heart to it.
4) Use every opportunity to Praise God!!
5) Use music to worship.
6) Honor Christ for who he is and be willing to give him my best.
7) Have a full and true understanding of Christ.  Doing so will allow me to obey him.
8) Worship in harmony and  order and fully participate in the worship.

I was reading 1 Corinthians 16.  It wasn't the next chapter I was supposed to read.  I just decided to open my Bible and see where I landed.  Clearly, it spoke to me.  I ended with listening to some of my favorite music.  One of my all-time favorite songs seemed to fit perfectly with what I had just read.

When He rolls up His sleeves

                                                        He ain't just puttin' on the ritz

our God is an awesome God

                                                       There is thunder in His footsteps

And lightning in His fist

our God is an awesome God

Well, the Lord wasn't joking

When He kicked 'em out of Eden

It wasn't for no reason that 

He shed his blood

His return is very close

 and so you better be believing

that our God is an awesome God

Lastly, I listened to "Here I am to Worship" ( the Randy Travis version because his voice is amazing).  It fit right in as well.

Light of the world 

                                                          You stepped down into darkness 

Opened my eyes let me see

                                                     Beauty that made this heart adore You 
                                                             Hope of a life spent with You 

                                                                 Here I am to worship 
                                                               Here I am to bow down 
                                                    Here I am to say that You're my God 
                                                               You're altogether lovely 
                                                                  Altogether worthy 
                                                             Altogether wonderful to me 

It is safe to say, today I feel a little less broken :-)

Broken...

Right now, I feel broken.  In every way, broken.  My heart, my mind, my body, my soul.  I feel like there could never be enough gadgets in any tool box to fix me.  But, surely that can't be, right?

I will spare you the whining and depressing, "oh my life is so horrible and stressful" crap.  That's not the case.  If you saw me today, you wouldn't have even known I didn't feel well.  I have just learned to keep it tucked right inside where it belongs.  I know, I know, probably not healthy.  But it's just what I do.

What made me realize I was broken?  My lovely sister-in-law Lynnetta  took me to see The Vow yesterday.   (On a Wednesday, at noon,  popcorn for lunch, six people in the theatre, only$5,  I highly recommend it.)  I thought the movie was awesome.  Channing Tatum is a delight to look at for 2 hours and Rachel McAdams is quite beautiful as well.  It was based on a true story and it was a rather sad story at that.  It was in every way, a tear jerker.  But not for me.  I sat there, cold as ice.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to feel the pain they were feeling.  I just didn't.  I was numb.

Numb kinda describes how I have felt for a few days now.  Since last Friday really.  Without going into details, Christian and I were given some pretty crappy news that day.  I didn't even flinch.  I just went about the day.  I had to.  That Saturday I woke up and thought, certainly I will feel something today.  Nope, not really.  I still felt numb, and empty.   Sadly, that feeling hasn't left.  I have felt physical pain.  Pain that drove me mad.  Pain that made me think, phew I am still human, I can still feel something.   But thats about it.

The good news is, Christian and I have been able to move forward and know that the bad news was not the end of anything.  Hopefully, it was just the beginning.  In the mean time, I long to feel normal again.  I can't define normal and don't want to.  I just want to feel it.

I guess there is no real point to my post tonight.  I just had to spill some emotion.  And if you are wondering, I am not crying while typing this ;-)

I need to end on a more positive note though.  So, I will share with you this:

I have had this barn frame hanging empty on my wall since my office was completed over two years ago.  I could never find anything fitting to fill it with.  Yesterday my niece Samantha brought this drawing to me after she got home from school.  This made me feel joy for so many reasons. 1) Samantha is so talented and artistic.  I look forward to the day she gets to put all her talents to use! 2) She drew this picture with Sharpies.  This may sound weird, but I am full on obsessed with Sharpies.  3) When she gave it to me she said, "Aunt Bootsee, I was going to make a G for Greenfield, but then I said, wait, she is a Kerr now." 4) The picture was actually too big and it hung out of the bottom of the frame.   As I was pondering how to make that work she kindly said, "oh you can just cut off the bottom if it doesn't fit, I don't mind."   She is a precious one.