I will spare you the whining and depressing, "oh my life is so horrible and stressful" crap. That's not the case. If you saw me today, you wouldn't have even known I didn't feel well. I have just learned to keep it tucked right inside where it belongs. I know, I know, probably not healthy. But it's just what I do.
What made me realize I was broken? My lovely sister-in-law Lynnetta took me to see The Vow yesterday. (On a Wednesday, at noon, popcorn for lunch, six people in the theatre, only$5, I highly recommend it.) I thought the movie was awesome. Channing Tatum is a delight to look at for 2 hours and Rachel McAdams is quite beautiful as well. It was based on a true story and it was a rather sad story at that. It was in every way, a tear jerker. But not for me. I sat there, cold as ice. I wanted to cry. I wanted to feel the pain they were feeling. I just didn't. I was numb.
Numb kinda describes how I have felt for a few days now. Since last Friday really. Without going into details, Christian and I were given some pretty crappy news that day. I didn't even flinch. I just went about the day. I had to. That Saturday I woke up and thought, certainly I will feel something today. Nope, not really. I still felt numb, and empty. Sadly, that feeling hasn't left. I have felt physical pain. Pain that drove me mad. Pain that made me think, phew I am still human, I can still feel something. But thats about it.
The good news is, Christian and I have been able to move forward and know that the bad news was not the end of anything. Hopefully, it was just the beginning. In the mean time, I long to feel normal again. I can't define normal and don't want to. I just want to feel it.
I guess there is no real point to my post tonight. I just had to spill some emotion. And if you are wondering, I am not crying while typing this ;-)
I need to end on a more positive note though. So, I will share with you this:
I have had this barn frame hanging empty on my wall since my office was completed over two years ago. I could never find anything fitting to fill it with. Yesterday my niece Samantha brought this drawing to me after she got home from school. This made me feel joy for so many reasons. 1) Samantha is so talented and artistic. I look forward to the day she gets to put all her talents to use! 2) She drew this picture with Sharpies. This may sound weird, but I am full on obsessed with Sharpies. 3) When she gave it to me she said, "Aunt Bootsee, I was going to make a G for Greenfield, but then I said, wait, she is a Kerr now." 4) The picture was actually too big and it hung out of the bottom of the frame. As I was pondering how to make that work she kindly said, "oh you can just cut off the bottom if it doesn't fit, I don't mind." She is a precious one.
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