Faithful Friend

Recently I went through the McDonald's drive through (don't judge).  The cashiers all know Herky because he is always with me and I may or may not make a weekly visit for hotcakes.  I can't help it, I love them.  As I pulled up to the window to pay, Ramona (yes I know her name) said, "oh there he is, your faithful friend".

I have more than once uttered the words, "I will never have a dog in my house!!"  I was pretty serious when I said that.  I thought all dogs belonged outside, on a farm.  A cold rainy day in May of 2010 changed that.  I decided in a very weak moment to tell Christian about a yellow lab that was available.  I called him and said, "if you want a dog, this is your one and only chance."   He jumped at the chance and that night we brought home the sweetest, most loving 7 week old puppy.  Funny enough, he became MY dog.  He went to work with me every single day.  My jeans have not been clean since and neither has my car.  Herky doesn't ride in the back.  He rides in the front seat with me.  Occasionally he tries to make his way onto my side.  It is not conducive for  driving, however,  I have trained him well and thankfully he knows the meaning of "sit your butt down."  :-)

In February of the following year Herky and his two brothers were hit by a train.  They all survived, but it was scary.  I will never forget when he was laying on the floor at the vet office. (they didnt have beds for all the dogs).  Christian came from work to see him before we left for the night.  As we walked away we said, "bye puppy."  He lifted his head just a little and let out a whimper.  It was painful.  We wanted him home with us that night, but he had to stay.

As we struggled to have a family, Herky got me through some pretty emotional days.  He laid on the floor and cried with me many times.  He licked my face to show me he loved me.  He laid in bed with me on mornings that I didn't really want to get up.  He went on long walks with me.  He even laid on TOP of me sometimes :-)

And he was always waiting for me when I get back to my office.

When we finally got the good news that we were going to have twin boys I worried that Herky would have a hard time with it.  I had heard some dogs can sense a pregnancy and change their behavior, often times for the worse.  Herky did change his behavior, but only for the better.  He became extremely protective of me.  He doesn't like loud noises anyways,  (Thinking it might have something to do with a loud train whistle he probably once heard.)  so he would bark at any noise and come to check on me.  He really liked to bark at the big brown truck and still does.  :-)  When I was really sick in the beginning I would still try to take him for walks.  He would not leave my side.  I sometimes had to stop and sit down.  He would run to me and make sure I was ok and rub his face up next to me.  His favorite thing to do was try to climb up on my lap or on my desk at work.

Now, he has two little brothers and is even more protective.  He loves to give them kisses.  When they make a noise, he checks on them.  He still loves to sleep in bed with us all and always lets us know when someone is at the door.   He will not let us forget that he was our first baby.

 I am now "that" girl.  I buy Christmas presents for my dog.  Who am I kidding.  I buy presents for every holiday.  I buy my dog ice cream.  I go to dog parks.  I send out Christmas cards with my dog on them.  But, I am the lucky one.  Herky is not just a yellow lab, he is my faithful friend.

I dont have a song to end on for this post.  But I will say, I promise my next post will be about my precious baby boys!  :-)

Our blessings...

As many of you now know, Christian and I are very excited to be expecting.  We are even more excited to be able to say we are expecting TWINS!  Really, excited is an understatement.  Overjoyed, thrilled, ecstatic, nervous, anxious....you name it, we are feeling it.  

What some of you may not know is that our road to get here was not short, and it was not always smooth.  However, we are here and joy has taken over!

We decided before we got married that we both wanted children.  We never said how many or any real details.  We just wished for healthy children and we planned to start a family as soon as we were married.  It is that easy, right?  Wrong!  I never knew the disappointment we would face,  the heartache we would push through,  and the physical endurance we would need.  However, I never knew I could feel the joy I feel right now either.

After a year and half of thinking it would just happen, we were faced with tests, tests and more tests.  Those were followed by lab results, and some disappointing facts.  None the less, we were no where near the end of our rope.  We had a doctor that was on our side and took amazing care of us.  I had surgery to fix one problem and we set out on our way again.   The medications began.  They didn't work.  I was mad about that.  Angry in fact.  Why can't they just work!?!   But again, it was not the end.

We were sent to a specialist.  We met her for the first time on our 2 year wedding anniversary.  She was amazing as well.  She set us up with more aggressive treatment.  Two rounds with her and our hearts were still empty.  I was starting to break.  At that point, I honestly didn't think I was strong enough.  I could not go a day without thinking, this is never going to work.  Thankfully, I have a husband who stood strong and pushed me to go further.  We proceeded with the most aggressive form of treatment.  We were hopeful.  That did not work either.  At that point I shut off.  I had nothing.  Once again, Christian pushed me to go one step further.  As I laid on the operating table that day I told myself, if this does not work, I am done!   Thankfully, it worked!

It all seemed nothing short of a miracle.  Our two miracle babies.

My point in sharing our journey is to also give me a chance to share how blessed we are to be surrounded with some pretty special people.  I apologize in advance, this is going to get long :-)

First of all, my husband.  Talk about my hero.  He never gave up.  He never backed down.  He held me when I cried and never flinched.  He told me over and over we would be parents, we just would be.  He had faith that I sometimes failed to have.  He spoiled me when I didn't deserve it.  He stopped what he was doing to make sure I was ok.  And he did it often.  Never complained.  Never said, I wish we didn't have to go through this.  Never said, I give up.  He sat by me during the procedures and made me laugh.  He calmed my many panic attacks.  He gave me the shots in my tummy without a second thought.  He made me laugh some more.  He told the doctor when our sweet babies were nothing but a little dot on the screen that they looked just like him.  See what I mean about the laughing?  And the day we found out we had not one but two heartbeats the first words he said were, "sweet, now we will have a tennis doubles team."  To sum it up, he was strong.  Strong for me.  Strong when I could not be.  Strong when he was exhausted and didn't have to be.  He was and is my everything.

Then there are my sister-in-laws, Emily and Lynnetta.  I was driving a half hour to work each morning. I needed to talk.  Guess who listened?  They did.  Every. Single. Time.  They listened to it all.   I whined.  I complained.  I said I give up a million times.  I said I couldn't take it any more a million more times.  I said it wasn't fair.  And still they listened.  They told me I could go on.   They told me I could take more.  Emily even drove me to Madison a couple times.  She had the pleasure of giving me a shot once to.  Certainly not in the list of job descriptions as a sister-in-law.  She did it, watched me pass out, and picked me right back up.  They were both everything I needed them to be and they didn't have to be, supportive.   And again, they were strong.  Strong when I could not be.

Guess what, there are more.  Steve and Nancy Borchers, a.k.a, our second parents.   During our final rounds of treatments, I had to be in Madison almost every other day for about a month.  Guess who drove me?  They did.  At 6 am some days.  Almost every trip, it was snowing.  In case you are not aware, Steve does not take his car in the snow, ever.  He did for me, several times.  They drove me to the appointments.  They sat in the waiting room no questions asked.  They took me to lunch, wherever I wanted to go.   They even drove me on Valentine's Day.  I will say it once again, they were strong.  Strong when I physically couldn't be.

To my many friends who stood by my side through the journey, you know who you are.  My heart melts thinking of  your support.  Words of encouragement.  Words of advice.  Talking me off the ledge several times.  Listening to me when you had much better things to do.  And laughing with me when I needed it the most.  Your friendships are a treasure to me.

Last but not least are my parents.  What do I really say here?  To say they supported Christian and I through this journey is just an understatement.  There will never be words to describe how grateful we are.  In all honesty, none of it would have been possible without them.  Emotionally, physically, financially.  None of it.  We can only hope they know our appreciation and we cannot wait for them to hold our precious babies in their arms and know the joy they helped us find.

Thinking back on the journey and thinking about all those who were by our side, it may seem like a miracle.  However,  I like to call it a blessing.  Christian and I are blessed and surrounded with so much support.  And now we are expecting two precious blessings.  We pray every day for the health of our sweet little ones and a safe arrival come Nov/Dec.  We are just truly and fully blessed.

Of course I must end with a song.  I heard George Strait's "I Saw God Today" about a week after we got our amazing news:

Saw a couple walkin' by they were holdin' hands 
Man she had that glow 
Yeah I couldn't help but notice she was startin' to show it 
Stood there for a minute takin' the sky 
Lost in that sunset 
Splash of amber melted in the shades of red 

I've been to church 
I've read the book 
I know he's here 
But I don't look 
Near as often as I should 
Yeah, I know I should 
His fingerprints are everywhere 
I just slowed down to stop and stare 
Opened my eyes and man I swear 
I saw God today 

Got my face pressed up against the nursery glass 
She's sleepin' like a rock 
My name on her wrist 
Wearin' tiny pink socks 
She's got my nose, she's got her mama's eyes 
My brand new baby girl 
She's a miracle 
I saw God today

Never look back?

So many people use the phrase, "never look back."  Focus on today they say, look toward the future.  I get all that.  But what about the good things that happened "back" then.  I think its ok to look back occasionally.  It's cliche, but those memories and moments happened for a reason.  I can appreciate those reasons now more than ever.  

I see it this way, if I never look back, how will I remember my Grandpa Greenfield (a.k.a. Gramps) who passed away over 10 years ago.  How will I remember all the people I met in college and now only keep in touch with on Facebook if at all?  How will I remember all of the toys I used to play with that are now on sale in the "vintage" section on Etsy?  Those are not things I am willing to never look back for.

I was reminded of this thought the other day while driving to work.  I drive west to work.  The sun rises in the east.  If I never look back, I don't see the sunrise.  I don't want to miss this either...

Later that day, I bought a bottle of syrup at the store and noticed it said, "do not microwave" at the bottom.  I giggled.  As a child, our families would gather at our Grandpa Greenfield's house on Sunday nights for pizza and ice cream.  Grandpa always had chocolate syrup for the ice cream.  One evening, I guess we requested hot fudge.  He didn't think twice, tossed the bottle in the microwave and off he went. Less than a minute later there was a loud noise and one messy microwave.  It doesn't seem that funny to you I am sure.  But, some day I will make an entire post about Gramps and you will understand.  My point is, I texted this exact story to my cousin Tammy and all she said was, "I remember that like it was yesterday."  It is worth looking back for memories like that.

I will praise every moment of today, I will certainly look forward to tomorrow, but I will never forget to occasionally look back.

As you have probably noticed by now, I relate everything to music.  So I will leave you once again with a song that fits my thoughts today.  "The House That Built Me"

I know they say you can't go home again
I just had to come back one last time
ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam 
but these hand prints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
is where I did my Homework 
and I learned to play Guitar 
now I bet you didn't know
Under that live oak 
my favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing
out here it's like I'm someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I'll leave 
won't take nothin' but a memory
from the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years 
from Better Homes and Garden magazine
plans were drawn and concrete poured 
nail by nail and board by board 
daddy gave life to mama's dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing

out here it's like I'm someone else

I thought that maybe I could find myself

if I could just come in I swear I'll leave 

won't take nothin' but a memory

from the house that built me

You leave home you move on and you
Do the best you can I got lost in
This old world and forgot who I am

Changing up my to do list.

I woke up today with a sense of calm.  Christian and I took Herky for a beautiful walk first thing.  Truthfully, the sunshine was just what we needed.  As we walked, Christian and I simultaneously looked up to see a jet stream.  He looked at me and said, "sometimes those just amaze me."  I looked back at him and said, "sometimes I think those are a sign from God."   He just smiled.  They amaze me every time I see them too.  The sun in they sky and everything around us, reminded me that only God could create something that awesome.   Christian being the comedian that he is, reminded me that Boeing had something to do with it too.  I kindly replied, but God gave those people the hands to build those jets :-)

When we returned, Christian left for work. (must love tax season :-))  I sat down in my usual corner chair with my Bible to read for a while.  I felt extra in need of some quiet worship time.   What I read was probably what I needed to hear more than ever.  My to do list needed to no longer look like this:

1) laundry
2) dishes
3) cleaning
4) errands

and needed to look like this:

1) Worship God as though I am a guest before a King.  He is our friend, but he is more importantly our sovereign Lord.
2) Revitalize my worship, as worship is only as real as the involvement of those participating.
3) Be fully prepared for worship.  Open my heart to it.
4) Use every opportunity to Praise God!!
5) Use music to worship.
6) Honor Christ for who he is and be willing to give him my best.
7) Have a full and true understanding of Christ.  Doing so will allow me to obey him.
8) Worship in harmony and  order and fully participate in the worship.

I was reading 1 Corinthians 16.  It wasn't the next chapter I was supposed to read.  I just decided to open my Bible and see where I landed.  Clearly, it spoke to me.  I ended with listening to some of my favorite music.  One of my all-time favorite songs seemed to fit perfectly with what I had just read.

When He rolls up His sleeves

                                                        He ain't just puttin' on the ritz

our God is an awesome God

                                                       There is thunder in His footsteps

And lightning in His fist

our God is an awesome God

Well, the Lord wasn't joking

When He kicked 'em out of Eden

It wasn't for no reason that 

He shed his blood

His return is very close

 and so you better be believing

that our God is an awesome God

Lastly, I listened to "Here I am to Worship" ( the Randy Travis version because his voice is amazing).  It fit right in as well.

Light of the world 

                                                          You stepped down into darkness 

Opened my eyes let me see

                                                     Beauty that made this heart adore You 
                                                             Hope of a life spent with You 

                                                                 Here I am to worship 
                                                               Here I am to bow down 
                                                    Here I am to say that You're my God 
                                                               You're altogether lovely 
                                                                  Altogether worthy 
                                                             Altogether wonderful to me 

It is safe to say, today I feel a little less broken :-)

Broken...

Right now, I feel broken.  In every way, broken.  My heart, my mind, my body, my soul.  I feel like there could never be enough gadgets in any tool box to fix me.  But, surely that can't be, right?

I will spare you the whining and depressing, "oh my life is so horrible and stressful" crap.  That's not the case.  If you saw me today, you wouldn't have even known I didn't feel well.  I have just learned to keep it tucked right inside where it belongs.  I know, I know, probably not healthy.  But it's just what I do.

What made me realize I was broken?  My lovely sister-in-law Lynnetta  took me to see The Vow yesterday.   (On a Wednesday, at noon,  popcorn for lunch, six people in the theatre, only$5,  I highly recommend it.)  I thought the movie was awesome.  Channing Tatum is a delight to look at for 2 hours and Rachel McAdams is quite beautiful as well.  It was based on a true story and it was a rather sad story at that.  It was in every way, a tear jerker.  But not for me.  I sat there, cold as ice.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to feel the pain they were feeling.  I just didn't.  I was numb.

Numb kinda describes how I have felt for a few days now.  Since last Friday really.  Without going into details, Christian and I were given some pretty crappy news that day.  I didn't even flinch.  I just went about the day.  I had to.  That Saturday I woke up and thought, certainly I will feel something today.  Nope, not really.  I still felt numb, and empty.   Sadly, that feeling hasn't left.  I have felt physical pain.  Pain that drove me mad.  Pain that made me think, phew I am still human, I can still feel something.   But thats about it.

The good news is, Christian and I have been able to move forward and know that the bad news was not the end of anything.  Hopefully, it was just the beginning.  In the mean time, I long to feel normal again.  I can't define normal and don't want to.  I just want to feel it.

I guess there is no real point to my post tonight.  I just had to spill some emotion.  And if you are wondering, I am not crying while typing this ;-)

I need to end on a more positive note though.  So, I will share with you this:

I have had this barn frame hanging empty on my wall since my office was completed over two years ago.  I could never find anything fitting to fill it with.  Yesterday my niece Samantha brought this drawing to me after she got home from school.  This made me feel joy for so many reasons. 1) Samantha is so talented and artistic.  I look forward to the day she gets to put all her talents to use! 2) She drew this picture with Sharpies.  This may sound weird, but I am full on obsessed with Sharpies.  3) When she gave it to me she said, "Aunt Bootsee, I was going to make a G for Greenfield, but then I said, wait, she is a Kerr now." 4) The picture was actually too big and it hung out of the bottom of the frame.   As I was pondering how to make that work she kindly said, "oh you can just cut off the bottom if it doesn't fit, I don't mind."   She is a precious one.  

Restless heart....

Today, I feel very very restless.  I needed to look for ways to distract myself and look for ways to calm my mind.  Typically, I don't have a hard time doing that.  I can find something to look up online, read a few pages out of the 20 books I am reading at any given point, or attempt to start a project that probably will never get finished.  But, today was different.  I just needed my mind to be free.  Not tied down to a ton of emotions or thoughts.  I just needed to be at ease.

I looked to Brendan, my 5 year old nephew, for that feeling today.  I don't remember being 5, or at least not much of it.  But, I can look at Brendan and no it was a good time.  For the last two days I have gone to eat lunch at his house.  Both days ,when I arrived, he was in nothing but his undies.  (One day he will no longer allow me to share these stories so I need to do it now :-))  One might think, boy, put on some clothes.  I just laugh.  I laugh hard.  He is not half naked because he doesn't like clothes.  He is half naked because on Kung Fu Panda they are half naked.  Or because one day, "well the dog wasn't wearing any pants."  Seems like a good enough reason to me.  He is happy.  He is free.  I understand, he is 5.  He hasn't faced life's battles yet and I pray with all my heart he never meets a battle he can't win.  But, seeing life through his eyes is refreshing.  His imagination, his love for all things pirate, his pure passion to be just like the grown up boys in basketball uniforms, and the best yet, his unwavering love for candy.  That kid is definitely related to me. Today, I was in luck.  His mom busted out the candy basket.  I secretly love it when that happens.  I don't mean like a couple little snickers and a hershey's kiss candy basket.  We are talking, baby ruths, twizzlers, left over Valentine's candy, and oh yes sweet tarts.  This is like Christmas when she pulls out the candy basket.    It's just that simple.  In the hour I spent there, I was free of any bogged down emotions.  My mind was right where it needed to be.  I was at ease.

As I drove home from work tonight, I received an email from our tax accountant.  He wanted to let me know I had done "an outstanding job" at keeping Greenfield Farms books for the year.  It was my first year doing our books completely on my own.  No one to review my work.  It was all on me.  As an accountant, I am obsessed with attention to detail and wanting all things just right.  So, I have to admit, I was pretty proud of his compliment.  In fact, I may have called a couple people to brag about it.  But, in that moment, I was also at ease.  I had done my job, and done it well.

So today my distractions were a little different.  However, they took my mind where it needed to go.   I can have sweet dreams now........

Laughter when I need it the most

Up until about an hour ago, laughter had been non existent today.  I am having some pain that has caused me to be a tad on the grouchy side.  Nothing I can't handle.  But you know, sometimes you just feel like being crabby and today I felt I had good enough reason.  The problem is, my wonderful husband just so happens to be on the receiving end of my not so pleasant mood.   "You are not sympathetic enough"  You have not even asked how I am doing"  "You didn't do this" "You didn't do that"   Yeah, I was "that" girl today.    I admit it.  I own it.

The funny thing is, he sucks it up, and goes on with a smile.  He momentarily acts annoyed and then its over.  I am lucky.  Very lucky.  So lucky that when we went to Culvers drive through for dinner tonight, this is what happened...... We pulled up to the order screen.  I told him I wanted a cheeseburger.  He says, watch this, and proceeds to order me a cheeseBOOGER.   I died.  We were both laughing so hard we couldn't finish our order.  Then the poor girl taking our order was trying not to laugh.  It wasn't even that funny and most would find it awfully immature.  But, it was just what we needed.  It made me laugh when I didn't want to.  It made the pain go away.  That is just what my dear husband does for me.

They say laughter is the best medicine and today it was just that.